I have been writing about various factors that go into communicating effectively, and there are so many of them that I could write a tome on the subject. I will however, spare my audience from that ordeal! Rare is the person who has everything right, gets the technical side of English and the nuances of the human side of communication perfectly each time they speak or write. There are some who make a particularly bad job of some or all of the factors; yet, they are understood and usually get the desired outcome – this is because they have or use the most important factor in effective communication: they make us care.
Imagine a person who is perfectly lucid and can string words together in a manner that is astonishingly superior; but you dislike the person intensely – do you think you will listen to him and understand what he intends you to? Imagine again, a person who struggles to express herself, but you really like her, she is sweet and lovable – the chances of your paying attention this time and comprehending exactly what she means to say are very high. When we like people, we pay attention to them, likability works like magic.
I am sure everyone is aware of this but maybe all of us do not use this as a tool to be good communicators. The idea of making an effort to be liked with every single person we deal with is not only absurd but impossible.
We do not need to be liked by everyone and do not, ourselves have to like everyone. What we need to do is make an effort to get along with those we deal with, the degree will of course vary depending on whether the dealing is transient or long term. Some people have the natural skill of establishing rapport with most, their winning ways have scores of people liking them and I believe they in turn are inclined to like people in general. Not all of us have the good fortune of having such a gift. We need a plan to build rapport with others.
Some of our dealings are in the passing, like when we talk to someone who parks our car for us when we go to a hotel or restaurant, someone whose service we are engaging or product we are purchasing, it could even be the person who is standing close to the door when we need to get off a crowded lift. We do have to communicate with such people and not doing so effectively can result in unpleasantness, but we don’t really need to establish rapport with them. Being respectful and considerate is enough and will result in our getting what we need without much trouble.
Then there are those we deal with regularly and these are the ones we need to get along with. We do communicate with them, but we have what might be called colourless exchanges: The routine and predictable words we exchange with people we meet like greetings and goodbyes, acknowledging colleagues or neighbors, exchanging information, or small talk with people in stores or cafes. As colourless as the exchanges maybe, they are not meaningless. Even a brief exchange makes both the parties concerned feel a sense of safety, security and can be the foundation of a deeper interpersonal relationship. Though not perceivable, the first tiny step in getting along is made this way.
Based on the need and our interest, we can take these colourless exchanges and build on them by initiating conversations on neutral and impersonal topics, taking it just about a step further than small talk. As insignificant as this may seem, making such an effort builds the foundation of trust and a feeling of warmth towards each other.
As this grows, we might discover that we have some common interests with the individuals we are in the process of establishing rapport with. If not, there will be at least one topic or area in the list of the other person’s passions and interest, that we know something about. It is a simple matter of spending some time conversing on these common or overlapping areas. This will definitely build further trust and an emotional connection. The change in how effective communication becomes at this stage is remarkable.
As I mentioned earlier, it is a good idea to vary the degree of rapport in accordance with how often and how much we need to deal with each individual. I am not suggesting that we be calculating or manipulative in our dealings with people, I mean that if we go around being too friendly or too familiar with all and sundry, it will be insincere. The underlying idea is to develop a general disposition of genuine and sincere friendliness and respect.
Our communication with the category of people who fall somewhere between the valet or stranger in a lift and those with whom effective communication is crucial, needs some degree of care too. I am sure each of you can figure out how to go about establishing some sort of personal and emotional connection with such people. In case you don’t, I will be only too happy to guide you if you let me know.
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