The Magical Factor in Communication

I have been writing about various factors that go into communicating effectively, and there are so many of them that I could write a tome on the subject. I will however, spare my audience from that ordeal! Rare is the person who has everything right, gets the technical side of English and the nuances of the human side of communication perfectly each time they speak or write. There are some who make a particularly bad job of some or all of the factors; yet, they are understood and usually get the desired outcome – this is because they have or use the most important factor in effective communication: they make us care.

Imagine a person who is perfectly lucid and can string words together in a manner that is astonishingly superior; but you dislike the person intensely – do you think you will listen to him and understand what he intends you to? Imagine again, a person who struggles to express herself, but you really like her, she is sweet and lovable – the chances of your paying attention this time and comprehending exactly what she means to say are very high. When we like people, we pay attention to them, likability works like magic.

I am sure everyone is aware of this but maybe all of us do not use this as a tool to be good communicators. The idea of making an effort to be liked with every single person we deal with is not only absurd but impossible.

We do not need to be liked by everyone and do not, ourselves have to like everyone. What we need to do is make an effort to get along with those we deal with, the degree will of course vary depending on whether the dealing is transient or long term. Some people have the natural skill of establishing rapport with most, their winning ways have scores of people liking them and I believe they in turn are inclined to like people in general. Not all of us have the good fortune of having such a gift. We need a plan to build rapport with others.

Some of our dealings are in the passing, like when we talk to someone who parks our car for us when we go to a hotel or restaurant, someone whose service we are engaging or product we are purchasing, it could even be the person who is standing close to the door when we need to get off a crowded lift. We do have to communicate with such people and not doing so effectively can result in unpleasantness, but we don’t really need to establish rapport with them. Being respectful and considerate is enough and will result in our getting what we need without much trouble.

Then there are those we deal with regularly and these are the ones we need to get along with. We do communicate with them, but we have what might be called colourless exchanges: The routine and predictable words we exchange with people we meet like greetings and goodbyes, acknowledging colleagues or neighbors, exchanging information, or small talk with people in stores or cafes. As colourless as the exchanges maybe, they are not meaningless. Even a brief exchange makes both the parties concerned feel a sense of safety, security and can be the foundation of a deeper interpersonal relationship. Though not perceivable, the first tiny step in getting along is made this way.

Based on the need and our interest, we can take these colourless exchanges and build on them by initiating conversations on neutral and impersonal topics, taking it just about a step further than small talk. As insignificant as this may seem, making such an effort builds the foundation of trust and a feeling of warmth towards each other.

As this grows, we might discover that we have some common interests with the individuals we are in the process of establishing rapport with. If not, there will be at least one topic or area in the list of the other person’s passions and interest, that we know something about. It is a simple matter of spending some time conversing on these common or overlapping areas. This will definitely build further trust and an emotional connection. The change in how effective communication becomes at this stage is remarkable.

As I mentioned earlier, it is a good idea to vary the degree of rapport in accordance with how often and how much we need to deal with each individual. I am not suggesting that we be calculating or manipulative in our dealings with people, I mean that if we go around being too friendly or too familiar with all and sundry, it will be insincere. The underlying idea is to develop a general disposition of genuine and sincere friendliness and respect.



Our communication with the category of people who fall somewhere between the valet or stranger in a lift and those with whom effective communication is crucial, needs some degree of care too. I am sure each of you can figure out how to go about establishing some sort of personal and emotional connection with such people. In case you don’t, I will be only too happy to guide you if you let me know.

Basis of Understanding

Many years ago, I taught English Language for foreign students and it involved the teaching of the basics. On one occasion, I mentioned the word spheroid and what it meant; some in the class looked confused and so I drew a spheroid and added that the shape of the earth was spheroid. One of the students contradicted me quite emphatically and insisted that the earth was shaped like an egg. No amount of explanation or debate could shake his belief. His teachers and parents had told him that the earth was shaped exactly like an egg and that was that. If one were to tell him that an object was shaped like the earth, he would understand it quite differently from how most of us do.  

Each of us comprehend whatever is being conveyed to us based on various factors that are, when combined, unique to us. No matter how well a message is composed and conveyed, we will always understand it based on these unique factors and therefore are likely to comprehend parts of it imprecisely. The main ones are:


Experiences: We can fully understand all those things that we have experienced. A simple example of this is, those who have tasted a lychee will be able to fully comprehend a statement such as ‘The drink is lychee flavoured’ and those who have not, would only be making some sort of wild guess.

History: Our personal history and that of the land we belong to or even the ones we have lived in, bear an impact on our comprehension. People from a place filled with strife and struggle will have a differing idea of peace and calm than those who have only been exposed to places where there is peace and abundance. The idea of kindness will vary between a person who has a history of trauma to that of a person who has been fortunate enough to have lived a life with a negligible amount of struggle.

 Exposure: Even if we have had limited experiences and our history has not been eventful enough to have a deep impact on our comprehension, it is possible for us to be aware of numerous things if we have the exposure to them. This exposure could be from reading, hearing tales and accounts, watching movies, documentaries and the like. Meeting and getting to know a lot of people also contributes to our exposure. Being aware of certain things aids our comprehension of them. It is a struggle for us to comprehend something that we have never even heard of or bothered much with. It becomes a challenge for us to stay tuned in to a conversation about cricket if we know little if anything about it. Then there are many who have never played a single game of cricket but have deep knowledge about the game from having watched countless number of matches on TV.

 Values: Our values make us who and what we are and rule our thoughts. If life or our background has led us to value kindness, we will understand that somebody’s kind words have come from the heart and greatly value or respect what they are conveying. On the other hand, if kindness is not a priority, the same kind words may come across to us as unnecessary or worse still, hollow and artificial. It’s not to say that those who value kindness cannot make out hollow or artificial words of kindness, they can and do.

 Interest: This one is quite an obvious factor in comprehension and needs very little explanation. If a matter is of limited interest to us, our comprehension of messages about it, will be equally limited. If someone has no interest in reading, he will grasp only a vague version of any message or conversation about books and literature.

 Ease: When we are conversant with something or feel passionate about it, we tend to work on increasing our knowledge and expertise in it. It is but natural for us to comprehend matters related to the things that we are thoroughly at ease with. A software engineer will comprehend almost everything that is computer related while someone like me will probably comprehend a negligible fraction of it.

It is impossible for us to factor in every single person we address whenever we communicate. Do we then take being only half understood as a given? That is not necessary since what we need to do is consider the factors of comprehension and also all the distractions mentioned in my last post and plan how best to convey a message that leaves little room for ambiguity or doubt. 
When it is an important message, it is a good idea to find a polite way to check for comprehension, the standard ‘You know what I mean’ is not good enough. Making someone feel like you think they are of limited intelligence is also an extremely bad idea, so the checking for clarity and comprehension needs to be well thought out. Similarly, when receiving an important message, it is a great idea to rephrase and confirm that we have it right.

These along with a few other facets of communication can put us on the path to being highly effective.

Distortions in Communication

We communicate whenever there is a need to express our thoughts or feelings, to inform or to find something out. This need may be entirely based on our own feeling or it could be based on a demand made by an external factor. 

To communicate, we need to put our thoughts into sequence, select the right words, the right medium and then convey the message. This process is called encoding. The recipients of our message then interpret it according to various factors and the level of their understanding. This process is called decoding.

It is normal for us to be able to only convey a part of our thoughts and that too in a way that it is indistinct.  Similarly, it is equally normal for audiences to receive and comprehend perfectly clear messages in an indistinct manner. These are often referred to as distortions in the communication process.  There are a multitude of reasons why distortions take place, the key ones being:

Experience: Everything we do and say is based on our own and unique experience. From what we consider the best way to sit or sleep, to how and when we communicate is because we saw or did it in a certain way and found it to be the most appealing.

For instance: a person who grows up in a conventional Indian family may think that the only way to greet anyone older than oneself is to touch their feet. Such a person may find those who do not follow this custom to be extremely rude.  Someone who uses words like ‘sorry’, ‘thank you’ and ‘please’ frequently, must be doing so because of his or her education at school or home; some may find this artificial.

Pre-occupation: Very seldom do we have just one thing on our mind and even then, there are likely to be several other linked thoughts regarding that one and only thing we are supposed to be focusing on. This is normal and we are all equipped to deal with it. The problem starts creeping in when something else that is of great importance or consequence is playing on our mind; this is when communicating about unrelated matters requires effort. Our preoccupations act as a screen to sending or receiving messages.

This preoccupation could be something as ordinary as a social event that we will be going to soon that keeps us from paying complete attention to work-related communication. Preoccupations could also be complex like a distressing situation in the workplace that keeps us from communicating effectively with people in our personal life. 

Stereotypes: We hold certain mental images of how each type of person ought to appear and behave; these images are often formed based on universal images and perceptions or commonly known as stereotypes. Stereotypes have a considerable amount of effect on how we receive messages. A well-groomed and well-dressed lady will be expected to speak with confidence, poise and be impressive in most of the things she does.  If we enter a restaurant and we see a man in a pair of black trousers and a white shirt standing somewhere near the entrance, we will automatically assume that he is a member of the staff at the restaurant.  Such mental stereotypes can have a huge impact on the way we communicate with people.

Hidden Agenda: Whenever we communicate with an ulterior motive which we do not reveal to our audience, we have a hidden agenda.  We will steer the entire communication to meet that agenda.

It could be a grudge we bear against someone and wish to bring it out into the open to prove a point. It could be steering a conversation in a direction that will sabotage the outcome of a meeting. It could even be when we ask a lot of veiled questions to extract information in a crafty way.

Physical Surroundings: Noise, weather, distracting influences or external influences can distort the impact of any communication. Messages can get distorted, misinterpreted or missed entirely only because of the physical surroundings of the sender or the receiver of a message.

When we receive a phone call while we are on a busy street it is possible that the traffic is so noisy that we can hardly hear what the caller is saying. If we hold a conversation in a room where there is a television program going on in the background, the sound and the visuals are bound to distract and distort the messages being given or received.

Semantics: Our understanding of the meaning of a word may vary from that of the person we are communicating with; the study of the meanings and changes of meanings of words is known as semantics. The problems related to semantics arise from a complete mismatch in the interpretation of a word each person in any communication may have.

A good example of this is the phrase, ‘just a minute’; that ‘minute’ may be anything from 60 seconds to half an hour to an eternity.  Similarly, the word ‘tasty’ most certainly means different things to different people based on their palate and preferences.

Non-Verbal Messages: Often the non-verbal messages we send out, add more meaning than the words we use while communicating. Much has been said and understood about this but, a few of the more common types of non- verbal communications are:

Gestures- movements we consciously or unknowingly make to add more flavor to our words.

Eye Contact- looking at a person, mainly his or her face while conversing with them.

Sub-vocals- small sounds we make, often without being aware of them; like hmm, ah or a sigh.

Intonation- how we stress on a particular word or set of words to indicate their meaning, while speaking

Posture- how we hold ourselves while communicating.

When referring to non-verbal communication we often forget that even written messages have  a few aspects that work like non verbal communication. The form and format of the written word always create an impression, I will post more on that in the future. 

Like I said at the beginning of this post, there are a multitude of factors that go into effective encoding and decoding. If we begin by being conscious of the few that I have mentioned in this post, it will be remarkable.

Levels of Listening/Communication

Often, we find ourselves speaking with someone who responds by relating a somewhat irrelevant matter. Clearly, they are not really listening as they are too taken up with their own thoughts, experiences or agenda. We then feel irritated, disheartened or just put off. If someone makes a habit of listening thus, we will probably reach a point where we desist from meaningful conversations and stick to telling them something only when we need to.

Conversations with them will usually go something like this:
Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi: We went out to the Café Around the Corner last night. Do you know what? I met Pushpa over there! I hadn’t met her in several years. She has changed so much! Oh my God! Remember how dowdy she used to be? Well, all that has changed she is now quite the diva and even her way of speaking has changed. It turns out she married a much older but frightfully rich man and moves in a different circle now. She did not spend too much time with me. I guess she didn’t want the people she was with, to know where she comes from and what her reality is. Oh well, it takes all sorts!

Such listening is called Subjective Listening and is, as everyone will agree, not exactly effective.

When we speak with someone, they take note of every point we make and their response indicates this clearly. Yet we are left with the feeling that they have ignored all that is unsaid: the tone, the part that is between the lines and perhaps even the implications.

Here is the same dialogue as above; only, Rashmi responds differently this time:

Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi: I have heard some more people complain about the food from Wonderful Cook. Why don’t you nap for a while if you’re sleepy?

Such listening is called Objective Listening and works quite well at the functional level. Most of us generally listen at this level. Listening at the objective level when speaking with acquaintances or people we have brief business dealings with is more than enough.

When we speak with someone and their attention goes beyond the words and facts to our body language, tone of voice; when they are tuned in to our disposition,  emotions and current state of mind, they rise to the level of listening that is remarkably productive.

If Rashmi were to listen at this level, the dialogue would be something like this:

Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi:  I can imagine how disappointing the meal must have been and it is horrendous that it did not agree with you. Have you had any medicine? I know that you usually have a lot to do, let me know if I can lend you a hand with anything.

Such listening is called Intuitive Listening and is highly productive and desirable, especially when we want to establish and maintain a bond. When we listen intuitively to those we work closely with, it has the most prodigious impact.

Each type of listening has its place. Gauging what the other person is saying and an awareness of what the dynamics of the relationship need to be, helps us to listen effectively and respond in an appropriate way. While I feel it is quite destructive to respond to anyone in the manner Rashmi did in the first instance, some situations do not need that much of our attention and it is pardonable to listen at the mildly Subjective level. A good example of such a situation is when people call us to try and sell a product or a service, we are not particularly interested in. It is not necessary for us to establish deep connections with everyone we know or work with. There are many situations which call for pleasant but objective listening. It is most suitable if we listen objectively while attending certain general meetings at the workplace or even during some of the conversations we have with friends.

Intuitive listening is a necessity when the discussion is a serious one or the relationship is one that matters. When someone listens to us at the Intuitive level, their response makes us feel good and as if she or he cares; we in turn respond in the like. Needless to mention, when the conversation is light, even with those who matter a lot to us, we may read more than is required if we resort to Intuitive listening perpetually.

As I mentioned before, knowing when to use each level of listening is essential. Without the right sort of response, conversations become counter-productive.