Levels of Listening/Communication

Often, we find ourselves speaking with someone who responds by relating a somewhat irrelevant matter. Clearly, they are not really listening as they are too taken up with their own thoughts, experiences or agenda. We then feel irritated, disheartened or just put off. If someone makes a habit of listening thus, we will probably reach a point where we desist from meaningful conversations and stick to telling them something only when we need to.

Conversations with them will usually go something like this:
Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi: We went out to the Café Around the Corner last night. Do you know what? I met Pushpa over there! I hadn’t met her in several years. She has changed so much! Oh my God! Remember how dowdy she used to be? Well, all that has changed she is now quite the diva and even her way of speaking has changed. It turns out she married a much older but frightfully rich man and moves in a different circle now. She did not spend too much time with me. I guess she didn’t want the people she was with, to know where she comes from and what her reality is. Oh well, it takes all sorts!

Such listening is called Subjective Listening and is, as everyone will agree, not exactly effective.

When we speak with someone, they take note of every point we make and their response indicates this clearly. Yet we are left with the feeling that they have ignored all that is unsaid: the tone, the part that is between the lines and perhaps even the implications.

Here is the same dialogue as above; only, Rashmi responds differently this time:

Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi: I have heard some more people complain about the food from Wonderful Cook. Why don’t you nap for a while if you’re sleepy?

Such listening is called Objective Listening and works quite well at the functional level. Most of us generally listen at this level. Listening at the objective level when speaking with acquaintances or people we have brief business dealings with is more than enough.

When we speak with someone and their attention goes beyond the words and facts to our body language, tone of voice; when they are tuned in to our disposition,  emotions and current state of mind, they rise to the level of listening that is remarkably productive.

If Rashmi were to listen at this level, the dialogue would be something like this:

Sanjana: We had sent for food from Wonderful Cook yesterday and something has made me quite sick after that. I could not even sleep properly.

Rashmi:  I can imagine how disappointing the meal must have been and it is horrendous that it did not agree with you. Have you had any medicine? I know that you usually have a lot to do, let me know if I can lend you a hand with anything.

Such listening is called Intuitive Listening and is highly productive and desirable, especially when we want to establish and maintain a bond. When we listen intuitively to those we work closely with, it has the most prodigious impact.

Each type of listening has its place. Gauging what the other person is saying and an awareness of what the dynamics of the relationship need to be, helps us to listen effectively and respond in an appropriate way. While I feel it is quite destructive to respond to anyone in the manner Rashmi did in the first instance, some situations do not need that much of our attention and it is pardonable to listen at the mildly Subjective level. A good example of such a situation is when people call us to try and sell a product or a service, we are not particularly interested in. It is not necessary for us to establish deep connections with everyone we know or work with. There are many situations which call for pleasant but objective listening. It is most suitable if we listen objectively while attending certain general meetings at the workplace or even during some of the conversations we have with friends.

Intuitive listening is a necessity when the discussion is a serious one or the relationship is one that matters. When someone listens to us at the Intuitive level, their response makes us feel good and as if she or he cares; we in turn respond in the like. Needless to mention, when the conversation is light, even with those who matter a lot to us, we may read more than is required if we resort to Intuitive listening perpetually.

As I mentioned before, knowing when to use each level of listening is essential. Without the right sort of response, conversations become counter-productive.